Tolstoy begins his "Anna Karenina" with this line: "all happy families are happy in the same way; all the unhappy families unhappy in their own way." Interpersonal problems seem to disagree with Tolstoy. There is a pattern in most of the interpersonal problems of the spouses. These are with the needs of men and women, whether they are complying with each other's needs, at least in a minimum way. People who do not care about the needs of their spouses ultimately end up in the court. Thank their luck, the Indian divorce laws have made it easier for them. I came to this conclusion from the ten years of dealing with divorce issues in a court.
In my interviews with the couples in trouble I have gathered the following are the basic needs of the spouses. Woman's needs are love, conversation, honesty and openness, family commitment and financial support. Man's needs on the other hand are sexual fulfillment, attractive spouse, companionship, admiration.
Next time, when you deal with spouse-problems, try and see if these are true. Perhaps we have new avenues to help them to solve their problems.
What if these problems are gendered? the reasons for the breakdown for a marriage could be the different expectations. The grammar of expression maybe different but the idea maybe the same or perhaps we have been taught to want different things depending on our gender.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt you will find the evidence if you long enough at something you will find what your are searching for. Maybe its not the people involved but our understanding of marriage, and what it is supposed to mean.
Gender is societal and mythical at best. Things that are supposed to protect are also things that harm. Conforming to one's gender role is both the solution and the problem. So to do the Lancanin thing I will say " woman does not exist"......... and a rejoinder to that "man does not exist"