There are more happy marriages than unhappy ones. But for those who go through the traumas of failed marriages, perhaps, happiness in marriage is a utopia. Soma (not real name), a divorcee brooding over her own life pondered, there is no such thing called happy marriages; what exist are all struggling marriages. Perhaps she is more than true; then, struggle characterizes growth and meaningfulness. I remember a friend writing to me about her grandparents some time back. I translate it for you from the vernacular:
“I am not writing about myself. I want to tell about my grandmamma. The grandfather was sick and was bedridden. My grandmamma used to stay in the room next to my granddad’s. There were no words spent between them during the whole day. Whenever got opportunity she used to complain against the grandfather: “that was not given,” “this did not happen.” “Never did he understand my mind - your grandpapa.” This was the grand mamma’s favourite dialogue. As if it was a habit.
However, my grandmamma kept everything in mind - whether the grandfather ate or not, whether water bottle has freshwater in it, whether he took medicine five times during the day on time. How she cared him! Often I have seen her sitting close to him, next to his head when he was asleep during the afternoons. I wondered whether the grandfather was awake or not.
The grandfather used to request me, “You would remind the 20th, won’t you? That is the day of your grandmother’s birthday.” The grandmother’s birthday was on 20th January. But for granddad every 20th was 20th January. He would say, “There is money in that laskhmi-bandar, (piggybank). Open that cupboard and you would find it. With that money bring sweets, or bring pan if she needs.”
I have to show my grandfather I am taking money from the lakhi-bandar –grandfather’s money of course, and not my own money. I pretended well. The Grandfather never knew it was grandmother who put the money in the lakhibandar saving it from her own income. How long ago the money collected by grandfather was spent up!
After the grandfather’s death grandmother did not live long. During those days I saw a wonderful relationship.”
I am touched by the wonderful relationship of this senior couple. Wonder of their love was not something got overnight. They grew into it over the years through strenuous efforts of understanding, caring and being with each other. This is the result of a commitment, struggle or whatever one may want to call it. And the commitment to love is what bride and bridegroom undertake at the moment of their wedding.
Carl Ransom Rogers (1902-1987) father of person-centred therapy reflecting upon his own marriage which he entered at the age of 22 and stayed on in love for life spoke of two types of marriage, two that exist at opposite ends of a continuum. One is “geared” marriage in which each partner supplements the deficiencies of the other and they mesh comfortably, sometime too placidly. The other is the conflictual marriage, in which the success of the marriage depends on the fact that the couple is continually endeavouring to work out constructively the many conflicts which would otherwise destroy the marriage (Kirschenbaum, H. (1990) The Carl Rogers Reader, 35). Roger says his conjugal life lied in between, and perhaps most of marriages too - often moving often from one spectrum to the other. Sugatha (name changed for anonymity) who is in her twenty-second year of marriage thinks this to be valid.
“The first three months of our marriage was smooth,” she recalled, “Shajan was opposite of what I am. He was all preoccupied with his career, work, efficiency. He hardly finds time to talk, to relax. I am on the other hand an artistic person, very private and an introvert. But then he was mature enough to understand that. We have worked it out. We have been trying, quite successfully, to deal constructively with most of our conflicts and differences.” Sugatha’s case is not unique. Perhaps every couple would be saying that my husband or my wife is so different from me. To them marriage and family therapist Soven has this to say, “Realising the difference and dealing with it by mutual discussion and accommodating each other in each other’s inner world may find themselves growing to love each other.”
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Even village priest will frequently open their temple ceremonies with the following beloved invocation:
O Lord, forgive three sins that are due to my human limitations:
Thou art everywhere, but I worship you here;
Thou art without form, but I worship you in these forms;
Thou needest no praise, yet I offer you these prayers and salutations,
Lord, forgive three sins that are due to my human limitations.
~~~ Huston Smith (American professor)
O Lord, forgive three sins that are due to my human limitations:
Thou art everywhere, but I worship you here;
Thou art without form, but I worship you in these forms;
Thou needest no praise, yet I offer you these prayers and salutations,
Lord, forgive three sins that are due to my human limitations.
~~~ Huston Smith (American professor)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Idiotic verses (without Malice ofcourse)
What makes us (excluding me, of course) all idiots – no, close to idiots?
That’s because we eat idlies in the morning,
Idles our mind,
Worship idols all the time
And Discuss always ideas
All are close to idiot, don’t you see?
Don’t you worry.
Don’t go to a counsellor,
For even a year has foolish day in April!
What makes us (excluding me, of course) all insane - no close to insane?
That’s because we walk through the a same lane,
That some long time cows walked in vain
Carrying within our head thoughts inane
Our ladies wear a mane
All are close to insane, don’t you see?
Don’t you worry,
Don’t go to a counsellor,
For even from this we can gain.
What makes all (excluding me of course) good counsellors - no, close to counsellors?
All are good sellers,
At the end of the day, they count.
All are close to counsellors, don't you see?
Don’t you worry,
Don’t go to a counsellor
Don’t you see everywhere all are clowning and selling and counting?
That’s because we eat idlies in the morning,
Idles our mind,
Worship idols all the time
And Discuss always ideas
All are close to idiot, don’t you see?
Don’t you worry.
Don’t go to a counsellor,
For even a year has foolish day in April!
What makes us (excluding me, of course) all insane - no close to insane?
That’s because we walk through the a same lane,
That some long time cows walked in vain
Carrying within our head thoughts inane
Our ladies wear a mane
All are close to insane, don’t you see?
Don’t you worry,
Don’t go to a counsellor,
For even from this we can gain.
What makes all (excluding me of course) good counsellors - no, close to counsellors?
All are good sellers,
At the end of the day, they count.
All are close to counsellors, don't you see?
Don’t you worry,
Don’t go to a counsellor
Don’t you see everywhere all are clowning and selling and counting?
Friday, September 17, 2010
A History of India
This piece is not mine of course. It is from an essay competition entry. But it is hilarious. try read it. (With all the original spellings retained.)
A BRIEF HISTORY OF INDIA !
The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao . These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them.
Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.
In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan.
In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis.
The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana . But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines . Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time . He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi , so they are calling it Door Darshan .
After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clip per. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.
Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents . They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt . This was called the swedish moment.
During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.
In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he involved in productive thought and became the father of the entire nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country . In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population.Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis.
Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe, from America, said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand.
So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark . At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag.
Recently in India , there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. it can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat . Scams are all over India . One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader.
The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland, or some such country - kidhar to paisa tha. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot . Now this money has gone partly to Pakistan, where they have a coot pati called Zardari!!!
Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre . It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself.. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population. They are now making it even more dynamic and sexy looking through a string called G 20 - I don't know hy they don't call it G String 20 - all Gs are string - hai na?
A BRIEF HISTORY OF INDIA !
The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao . These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them.
Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.
In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan.
In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis.
The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana . But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines . Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time . He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi , so they are calling it Door Darshan .
After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clip per. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.
Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents . They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt . This was called the swedish moment.
During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.
In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he involved in productive thought and became the father of the entire nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country . In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population.Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis.
Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe, from America, said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand.
So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark . At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag.
Recently in India , there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. it can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat . Scams are all over India . One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader.
The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland, or some such country - kidhar to paisa tha. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot . Now this money has gone partly to Pakistan, where they have a coot pati called Zardari!!!
Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre . It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself.. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population. They are now making it even more dynamic and sexy looking through a string called G 20 - I don't know hy they don't call it G String 20 - all Gs are string - hai na?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
An Insight into Marriage Problems
Tolstoy begins his "Anna Karenina" with this line: "all happy families are happy in the same way; all the unhappy families unhappy in their own way." Interpersonal problems seem to disagree with Tolstoy. There is a pattern in most of the interpersonal problems of the spouses. These are with the needs of men and women, whether they are complying with each other's needs, at least in a minimum way. People who do not care about the needs of their spouses ultimately end up in the court. Thank their luck, the Indian divorce laws have made it easier for them. I came to this conclusion from the ten years of dealing with divorce issues in a court.
In my interviews with the couples in trouble I have gathered the following are the basic needs of the spouses. Woman's needs are love, conversation, honesty and openness, family commitment and financial support. Man's needs on the other hand are sexual fulfillment, attractive spouse, companionship, admiration.
Next time, when you deal with spouse-problems, try and see if these are true. Perhaps we have new avenues to help them to solve their problems.
In my interviews with the couples in trouble I have gathered the following are the basic needs of the spouses. Woman's needs are love, conversation, honesty and openness, family commitment and financial support. Man's needs on the other hand are sexual fulfillment, attractive spouse, companionship, admiration.
Next time, when you deal with spouse-problems, try and see if these are true. Perhaps we have new avenues to help them to solve their problems.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Three Cheers for "Substance" Users
Fifteen emaciated young adults were lying creased and crumpled on their cots. None of them bothered to raise their head to see the thirty-five or so men and women came to see them. Not that they did not want to, but perhaps they were unable to bother. Crave for the “substance” had taken their will to socialize, even to live. The volunteer guards and the high walls, and the locked iron gates of TREDA (Treatment Rehabilitation and Education of Drug abuse) forced them to stay on. What went on in their minds? No one knows. Perhaps they thought nothing. Felt nothing, except crave for the substance. Anyone who had a glance at these emaciated men could grasp the deadly enslaving effect of the “substance”.
The students who visited the centre had perhaps other things in mind - one I am sure is the report they shoul write and presentations they should prepare. But a nagging thought is this: most of the inmates of the institution are victims of a social system which gives sweet poison labled as extra-nourisher in the children's hand to taste and tell them not to drink. And they say, the choice is theirs! If drinking stopped the multimillion business will crumple. Who will sponsor Bangaluru's 20-20? government will lose the tax and the servants of the public lose kickback. The system needs alcoholics, drug addicts, and so on. Three cheers for substance abusers!
The students who visited the centre had perhaps other things in mind - one I am sure is the report they shoul write and presentations they should prepare. But a nagging thought is this: most of the inmates of the institution are victims of a social system which gives sweet poison labled as extra-nourisher in the children's hand to taste and tell them not to drink. And they say, the choice is theirs! If drinking stopped the multimillion business will crumple. Who will sponsor Bangaluru's 20-20? government will lose the tax and the servants of the public lose kickback. The system needs alcoholics, drug addicts, and so on. Three cheers for substance abusers!
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